Time For Texas To Be Removed From The U.S.

The Arm Chair Pontificator

Texas In Space And Free Of Liberals At Last Texas In Space And Free Of Liberals At Last

Like a date who keeps sticking her tongue in your mouth while you’re trying to watch a movie, it is time Texas be asked to go sit on another couch. Really, enough already. Our ancestors didn’t come out of a fucking cave to eventually be forced back into one. If Texas were gone, it would not only be better for the rest of America, but for it as well. Texas would be free of pesky-ass, liberal assholes like me who think the death penalty is wrong, women actually have a right to their own bodies, and guns need to be banned. They could lock chastity devices on women, make everyone go to church, the RIGHT church of course, and they could freely kill any person they deemed was evil or wearing a hoodie. And I have come up with a great…

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Tea Party Uncle’s Lament

...said the blind man...

Obama stole my guns
and gave them
to the New Black Panther Party
so they could intimidate white people
and he encourages inner city thugs
to play the Knockout Game
while listening to Common or Beyoncé
and filming it all on their
Obamaphones and then
aborting their babies with Obamacare
which is a government takeover
worse than slavery
but of course it’s all just distraction
from Benghazi where Obama
assassinated our ambassador
to cover up his affair
with Hillary Clinton
who was just getting back at Bill
and not really into it because
we all know she’s a lesbian
which is why Bill cheated
to start with and
Obama won’t say the Pledge
or touch a Bible
except to burn one
because he’s a Kenyan Muslim
which is why he faked
Bin Laden’s death
so he could help keep
the truth about 9/11 secret
(like if we only knew right?)

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Starbucks changes prices according to number of characters in drink title

Okay. This is actually kind of funny.


Starbucks recently announced that they will be repricing all drinks according to the number of characters in the drink title; one character = $1. You can expect the following great new prices:

Tea: $3

Black coffee: $11

Iced vanilla latte: $16

Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet’N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice: $204

Image attribution:
Flickr starbucks mug” by Ivana Di Carlo. This image was not changed or altered in any way.

Author’s note: I love you mom!!

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