Revenge

This image shows a whole and a cut lemon.
This image shows a whole and a cut lemon. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Yeah I’ve been trying to record this, but I’m having technical difficulties. I’ll try to record something… maybe next week…*I run away quickly*.

Revenge
sweet revenge is always better
than bitter revenge
for sweet revenge never leaves a sour taste in one’s mouth afterward
when life distributes unwanted lemons
do not make lemonade
throw the lemons in the trash
make iced tea instead
add extra sugar
extra EVERYTHING
hang a sign up:
“Serving vengeance with a smile.”  

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Poem

i visited the supermarket
looking to buy truth, insight, and wisdom
i really think i needed some
but when i talked to the cashier
she “oh, we don’t sell that here”
and every other place seemed to be out of stock
so i took a walk
down the road back to home
i have a house built with bricks and stone
not plastered with human wit
that’s why I don’t sleep under a bridge

An Update On The Life of Micah Bauman

So, it’s been awhile since I’ve written about myself (which is odd because that’s one of my all time favorite things to write about; besides spaghetti of course). But I think it’s time again I talk about myself.  Summertime is coming soon for me, but I have a lot of preparations to go through before I can start college. That’s getting ahead of things though, because this summer I’ll become a senior. So, I’ve officially selected the classes I’ll be taking for my final year in high school and I’ve opted not to take Holocaust Literature.
Sure, the holocaust might be interesting to study, but it’s gotta be really goddamn depressing to have to read story after story about it. First we’d read about Anne Frank, then we’d read Schindler’s List, and then… those are the only pieces of literature about the holocaust that I’m aware of (unless you count Mien Kampf). I’m immensely excited about not having to attend high school for two months though.

I hope to have more time to blog this summer and possibly even get in a couple of videos. I don’t know quite what I’ll end up doing. Maybe I’ll take some photographs,  write some more poetry, swim with sharks, wrestle a bear… Who cares? Carpe Diem!

Speaking of seizing the day, next Friday will be my birthday. To many people’s dismay, that means it’s been 17 years since I’ve entered this world, but each year has been worth it, except maybe 2 or 3 of them that were a complete waste of time. That’s in the past now though.

Earth Day Poem

I apologize for not posting anything this weekend. I know it’s poetry month. But I’ve been appreciating jazz. Anyway in honor of Earth Day, here’s a poem (I don’t know what to call it) about dead people…and worms.

I shall not ever mourn the dead
for the dead have never done anything for me
for once the living stop living
they decide it’s time to stop giving
dead people are lazy
and corpses are just boring
rather a shell of a man
one who once served the community
now only serves the worms
maybe i’ll mourn the worms
for without the worms we’d never be living at all

 

A Murder

Well, since it is National Poetry Month. Here’s a little something. I don’t know if I could write poems for a whole month like some people plan doing. But maybe I’ll write a few here and there. I got some ideas. But I’ve been slacking.

A murder has been committed
and the perpetrator is one that we cannot simply lock away
not to say they fled the scene
the fact is that they were never seen
this was a freak accident you see
this wasn’t meant to be
the cold dead body you see on the ground
was offed by no man or woman
this one was one that never had a chance
this one was a victim of circumstance

5 Ways To Drive Traffic To My Blog

Ever since I’ve started this blog, I’ve wondered how I could get more people to read it. This blog, in my opinion, should be kind of like the Bible. Not in the way that it unwittingly causes the death of millions of innocent people. Oh god, I don’t want that to happen. But more in the sense that everybody who hasn’t been hiding under a rock should have at least heard about it by now and then maybe years from now other bloggers will add to this prophetic and telling blog until… okay so the analogy is imperfect. Still, you get the gist of it. But since the history channel refuses to give me a miniseries, I am forced to resort to alternative methods of gaining readership. I have studied what people on the internet like to search for and I intend on using those studies to boost my views. So without further ado I present to you: 5 Ways To Get People To Mistakenly Stumble Upon Your Blog Whilst Likely Searching For Something Entirely Different (I should find a way to shorten that by the time I finish this)

Query 1: Birds
I’m sure my father is quite aware that birds are a popular item on the internet. Which explains why he barely ever posts about them anymore. One of the most efficient traffic drivers, for some inexplicable reason is the family extraordinary family of birds known simply as Tits. While little birdies like Black-Capped Chickadees  are certainly spectacular. The greatest searched for birds tend to be murderous killing machines such as Great Tits, or White-naped Tits (although that one often turns out to be typo). Owls are a popular item too, people just love looking at hooters. Birds, birds, birds; people are all about the birds (and sometimes the bees, but that’s another story).

Query 2: Celebrities 
Oh, yes. Celebrities are a huge one, and for good reasons. People enjoy celebrities because

Oh, look! It’s a picture of Jim Carrey. How did that get there?

they are like everyday people like you and me, but are you kidding me, they’re celebrities. They belong on a whole nother’ level. So, if you really want to get hits, talk about how Justin Bieber got into that drunken brawl with a construction worker or how Lindsay Lohan got a tattoo of a cannabis plant on her right shoulder. It doesn’t matter if these things are true or not, just as long as you gain at the unfortunate expense of vulnerable celebrities.

Query 3: Cats  
The ancient Egyptians were on to something and the majority of people are very aware of this because thanks to the rise of the internet, cat worshiping is back in style. Due to 21st century sloth, people are too lazy to build elaborate structure of them. However, I’m sure our immeasurable amount of internet memes is just as pleasing to these feline champions. It matters not whether the cat is grumpy, sleep-talking, or someone thinks it looks like they are pretending to play the violin. The simple truth is that if you post a cat, they will come. So sing your praises, fools: “Aww… who’s a cute wittle pussy cat.”

Pwease?
You don’t wanna let this guy down. Do you?

Query 4: Holidays
Everyone likes to celebrate holidays. Many holidays are associated with religious observances. Today for instance is Good Friday, and then on Sunday Christians everywhere celebrate Easter. This way of celebrating is not personally my cup of tea. The trouble with these sorts of religious observances is oftentimes someone had to die before you could celebrate. Then again that’s partly why we have classical music.  Frankly, that’s kind of depressing. But you can still garner views by talking about one can buy their rather unpleasant uncle for Christmas.

Query 5: Politics
Politics is a touchy subject. This is because frankly people tend to enjoy an infinite state of discord and utter confusion. I find it ironic that in a country called the United States there are so many people split up into factions practically trying to eradicate each other. The old saying goes that “If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.” But I’d prefer it if people didn’t decide to stand up while I’m enjoying a flick at the movie theater. But if you want views go ahead and stand for something. It takes guts to publicly opine on various controversial issues, like some cruddy bill your local congressman wants to put through or you could just place the blame on the president like a normal person.

So, there you have it. That’s my plan to take over the world and you can either join me or become my enemy. I suggest you make your choice wisely.

 

“What You Like” VS “What You’re Like”

Greetings, my followers. It’s been awhile, but I’m back. Unfortunately for me, but lucky for you, I am currently stuck indoors due to Pennsylvania’s outrageous winter weather.  Anyway, since I am stuck inside, how about some good ole fashioned blogging (because the internet is as old-fashioned as it gets).

2009YIP/26 Curly Fries
Arby’s next commerical: “because regular old straight fries are for morons.”

Here’s an interesting article. Apparently researchers are trying to find out if they can match people’s personality profile with their Facebook likes; everything from your religious views to your blatant irresponsible alcoholism. Supposedly folks with high IQ are prone to like “Science”, “Thunderstorms”, “The Colbert Report”, and “Curly Fries”. Now, I am a man of science who just happens to enjoy thunderstorms and gets a good kick out of
Stephen Colbert’s satirical politics. But the best way to know that I’m really intelligent is my insatiable craving for curly fries. People with low IQ on the other hand tended to like things such as “Sepahora”, “Harley Davis motorcycles”, “Lady Antebellum”, “being a mom.” But this only confirms what I already suspected. It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little dumb and I need you now.

They’ve also looked into your sexual orientation. Efficient predictors of gay male internet users (I guess it doesn’t work as well on lesbians) turned out to be “Wicked The Musical”, “Britney Spears”, and “Desperate House Wives”. While on the other hand straight people tended to like “Wu-Tang Clan”, “Shaq”, and for some reason “Being Confused After Waking Up From Naps”.

Overall it looks like their predictions aren’t that incredibly accurate, which unfortunately for us means having to personally interact with each other to find this crap out.

Anyway, I was going to post another precious video up on here at some point, but I still need to do my hair and makeup before I can get in front of the camera again. Until then, do something with your life or don’t, either way. Just make sure to come back later to marvel at my sheer brilliance.

♥Three Days Later♥

Valentine flowers

Valentine’s Day has come and gone and as you may have noticed I’ve written nothing about it. Not even a simple “Happy Valentine’s Day” type of post. And I’ll tell you why. As many of my peers at the institution for learning (or as the simpletons there call it: school) have remarked, Valentine’s Day is a pointless holiday. You don’t get off of school or work for it. You don’t get to dress in crazy outfits or go out drinking or get gifts or go on a vacation. No, of course not. Instead you spend the entire supposedly loving and caring about somebody else. What an absurd way to spend a holiday. Anyway, as black history month marches on, please remember…I forgot.

Talent Competition

If the literature exam the state requires us to take at school was based on talent or creativity I aced them easily. However, all they seem to be concerned about is whether or not a sentence should end with the word easily. I’m not sure how I did on the “Keystone Exams”. I couldn’t figure out what “the personified dog” from the passage true intentions were. I have enough trouble trying to sort out the intentions of people. Fortunately for you, it’s the not the “professional test evaluator” that decides whether I succeed. It’s you. It’s me. And while that may seem contradictory… it is.

Walt Whitman
Walt Whitman in the stone (as opposed to the flesh) (Photo credit: MCS@flickr)

“Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes. You’ll only see a portion of me when you take the state-administered exams in 2013 though.”

– Walt Whitman (poetic wizard)

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