A Murder

Well, since it is National Poetry Month. Here’s a little something. I don’t know if I could write poems for a whole month like some people plan doing. But maybe I’ll write a few here and there. I got some ideas. But I’ve been slacking.

A murder has been committed
and the perpetrator is one that we cannot simply lock away
not to say they fled the scene
the fact is that they were never seen
this was a freak accident you see
this wasn’t meant to be
the cold dead body you see on the ground
was offed by no man or woman
this one was one that never had a chance
this one was a victim of circumstance

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5 Ways To Drive Traffic To My Blog

Ever since I’ve started this blog, I’ve wondered how I could get more people to read it. This blog, in my opinion, should be kind of like the Bible. Not in the way that it unwittingly causes the death of millions of innocent people. Oh god, I don’t want that to happen. But more in the sense that everybody who hasn’t been hiding under a rock should have at least heard about it by now and then maybe years from now other bloggers will add to this prophetic and telling blog until… okay so the analogy is imperfect. Still, you get the gist of it. But since the history channel refuses to give me a miniseries, I am forced to resort to alternative methods of gaining readership. I have studied what people on the internet like to search for and I intend on using those studies to boost my views. So without further ado I present to you: 5 Ways To Get People To Mistakenly Stumble Upon Your Blog Whilst Likely Searching For Something Entirely Different (I should find a way to shorten that by the time I finish this)

Query 1: Birds
I’m sure my father is quite aware that birds are a popular item on the internet. Which explains why he barely ever posts about them anymore. One of the most efficient traffic drivers, for some inexplicable reason is the family extraordinary family of birds known simply as Tits. While little birdies like Black-Capped Chickadees  are certainly spectacular. The greatest searched for birds tend to be murderous killing machines such as Great Tits, or White-naped Tits (although that one often turns out to be typo). Owls are a popular item too, people just love looking at hooters. Birds, birds, birds; people are all about the birds (and sometimes the bees, but that’s another story).

Query 2: Celebrities 
Oh, yes. Celebrities are a huge one, and for good reasons. People enjoy celebrities because

Oh, look! It’s a picture of Jim Carrey. How did that get there?

they are like everyday people like you and me, but are you kidding me, they’re celebrities. They belong on a whole nother’ level. So, if you really want to get hits, talk about how Justin Bieber got into that drunken brawl with a construction worker or how Lindsay Lohan got a tattoo of a cannabis plant on her right shoulder. It doesn’t matter if these things are true or not, just as long as you gain at the unfortunate expense of vulnerable celebrities.

Query 3: Cats  
The ancient Egyptians were on to something and the majority of people are very aware of this because thanks to the rise of the internet, cat worshiping is back in style. Due to 21st century sloth, people are too lazy to build elaborate structure of them. However, I’m sure our immeasurable amount of internet memes is just as pleasing to these feline champions. It matters not whether the cat is grumpy, sleep-talking, or someone thinks it looks like they are pretending to play the violin. The simple truth is that if you post a cat, they will come. So sing your praises, fools: “Aww… who’s a cute wittle pussy cat.”

Pwease?
You don’t wanna let this guy down. Do you?

Query 4: Holidays
Everyone likes to celebrate holidays. Many holidays are associated with religious observances. Today for instance is Good Friday, and then on Sunday Christians everywhere celebrate Easter. This way of celebrating is not personally my cup of tea. The trouble with these sorts of religious observances is oftentimes someone had to die before you could celebrate. Then again that’s partly why we have classical music.  Frankly, that’s kind of depressing. But you can still garner views by talking about one can buy their rather unpleasant uncle for Christmas.

Query 5: Politics
Politics is a touchy subject. This is because frankly people tend to enjoy an infinite state of discord and utter confusion. I find it ironic that in a country called the United States there are so many people split up into factions practically trying to eradicate each other. The old saying goes that “If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.” But I’d prefer it if people didn’t decide to stand up while I’m enjoying a flick at the movie theater. But if you want views go ahead and stand for something. It takes guts to publicly opine on various controversial issues, like some cruddy bill your local congressman wants to put through or you could just place the blame on the president like a normal person.

So, there you have it. That’s my plan to take over the world and you can either join me or become my enemy. I suggest you make your choice wisely.

 

“What You Like” VS “What You’re Like”

Greetings, my followers. It’s been awhile, but I’m back. Unfortunately for me, but lucky for you, I am currently stuck indoors due to Pennsylvania’s outrageous winter weather.  Anyway, since I am stuck inside, how about some good ole fashioned blogging (because the internet is as old-fashioned as it gets).

2009YIP/26 Curly Fries
Arby’s next commerical: “because regular old straight fries are for morons.”

Here’s an interesting article. Apparently researchers are trying to find out if they can match people’s personality profile with their Facebook likes; everything from your religious views to your blatant irresponsible alcoholism. Supposedly folks with high IQ are prone to like “Science”, “Thunderstorms”, “The Colbert Report”, and “Curly Fries”. Now, I am a man of science who just happens to enjoy thunderstorms and gets a good kick out of
Stephen Colbert’s satirical politics. But the best way to know that I’m really intelligent is my insatiable craving for curly fries. People with low IQ on the other hand tended to like things such as “Sepahora”, “Harley Davis motorcycles”, “Lady Antebellum”, “being a mom.” But this only confirms what I already suspected. It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little dumb and I need you now.

They’ve also looked into your sexual orientation. Efficient predictors of gay male internet users (I guess it doesn’t work as well on lesbians) turned out to be “Wicked The Musical”, “Britney Spears”, and “Desperate House Wives”. While on the other hand straight people tended to like “Wu-Tang Clan”, “Shaq”, and for some reason “Being Confused After Waking Up From Naps”.

Overall it looks like their predictions aren’t that incredibly accurate, which unfortunately for us means having to personally interact with each other to find this crap out.

Anyway, I was going to post another precious video up on here at some point, but I still need to do my hair and makeup before I can get in front of the camera again. Until then, do something with your life or don’t, either way. Just make sure to come back later to marvel at my sheer brilliance.

♥Three Days Later♥

Valentine flowers

Valentine’s Day has come and gone and as you may have noticed I’ve written nothing about it. Not even a simple “Happy Valentine’s Day” type of post. And I’ll tell you why. As many of my peers at the institution for learning (or as the simpletons there call it: school) have remarked, Valentine’s Day is a pointless holiday. You don’t get off of school or work for it. You don’t get to dress in crazy outfits or go out drinking or get gifts or go on a vacation. No, of course not. Instead you spend the entire supposedly loving and caring about somebody else. What an absurd way to spend a holiday. Anyway, as black history month marches on, please remember…I forgot.

Talent Competition

If the literature exam the state requires us to take at school was based on talent or creativity I aced them easily. However, all they seem to be concerned about is whether or not a sentence should end with the word easily. I’m not sure how I did on the “Keystone Exams”. I couldn’t figure out what “the personified dog” from the passage true intentions were. I have enough trouble trying to sort out the intentions of people. Fortunately for you, it’s the not the “professional test evaluator” that decides whether I succeed. It’s you. It’s me. And while that may seem contradictory… it is.

Walt Whitman
Walt Whitman in the stone (as opposed to the flesh) (Photo credit: MCS@flickr)

“Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes. You’ll only see a portion of me when you take the state-administered exams in 2013 though.”

– Walt Whitman (poetic wizard)

New Year Revolution

Every year I make the same new years resolution. That’s to be charming and admirable. I always make good on that promise. Unless I don’t and somebody hates me for some obscene reason.

I was going to do some sort of a year in review type thing. But that stuff isn’t relevant today. The new year is a time to toss the old one in the trash. It’s a time to start fresh. It’s a new year and a new era.

Of course forgetting the past in general is kind of infeasible, especially when girls in high school keep reminding you of it. Thanks, girls.

It’s not that we should necessarily ignore the past and deprive it of any attention. The past is too finicky for that. Sure, usually we celebrate the past and then proceed to make the same exact mistakes we did the decade before. The most important reason we do this is so we have something to celebrate. Even if you’re not as shocked that the calender successfully transitioned as the guys on TV, take a minute to relax and reflect or just have a cup of coffee if you will (I don’t know what you do). Here’s to hoping whatever might have occurred between us in the past, we can just let bygones be bygones. Even you, Mister Burns. And now… onward!

Context In Writing

Context in writing is a lot like context in real life, baby. May I call you baby? Too bad I did it anyway. Anyway, context can be a royal pain in the arse. Take this for example:

“I shot the queen.”
Now that hardly seems necessary.
“I shot the queen a look.”
Oh that’s different.
“I shot the queen a look of disgust.”
That’s not a nice thing to say of the queen.
“What do you care? You’re American.”
That’s true.

These are the kind of awful misunderstanding we get when we write. These kind of issues arise in real life too. But it’s different when you’re reading. It’s unattractive when you’re reading. These kinds of things can make your readers wanna jump off a cliff for some reason. This kind of thing happens to the best of us though.

As the great romantic poet (he was really good with the ladies) John Keats said “I would sooner fail.”
Okay I admit I took that slightly out of context. But in turn, I added new context. Aren’t I clever. I could have America’s budget problem solved in no time. Don’t take that out of context or congress might get testy.

Baby Giant Turtle
This Baby Giant Turtle feels a little bit out of context (Photo credit: hyakuhei)

Anyway, peace out and don’t propagandize the poetry.

Poet Sematary

“I think that high school is where the poetry gets beaten out of you. High school is where poetry goes to die.” — Billy Collins

Ladies and gentlemen thank for coming tonight. As I was sure you would.  Who wouldn’t want to see such a young eccentric genius at work. Usually the poetry I write is all about me. But today I have to do an English project. For this assignment I am to humbly honor the poets of the past by writing a poem in the style of Edgar Allan Poe. I’m not used to deliberately convincing myself I’m a completely different person. But I’ll try to pretend I know what I’m talking about. Here goes nothing.

we sat in the classroom
guys and girls
ghouls and ghosts!
staring blankly into deep and endless space
as the instructor coughed and spat up words
gospels of dead poets!
much too dead to hear his loud erupting praises!
I don’t know what he said or what it meant.
I began to feel terrified —
I too shall be condemned
He gargled and growled.
The wise words of the long deceased.
reciting rotten acts of Willie
who sought the bubble reputation
inside that damned canon’s mouth
told hopeless tales of Robbie
and the road he didn’t take
yet maybe should have taken
he screamed and howled about Mister Walt
whoever he might be
he only sung songs of himself
what shall they matter to me?
as I sit quietly in the classroom
daydreaming; gazing out the window
occupying my mind with things I found fascinating and irresistible
beautiful girls; mysterious black cats
that’s all I really wanted to think about
and I sat there for hours under that spell
unaware of my surroundings
and perhaps better off for it
until finally the spell was broken
by a dinging, by a ringing, by a chiming
by a horrific sound that was all too pleasing
by the bells
– A poem by Micah Bauman Edgar Allan Poe

That’s the end of the poem. You can rest easy now.

“There neither exists nor can exist any work more thoroughly dignified…this poem which is a poem and nothing more — this poem written solely for the poem’s sake.” — Edgar Allan Poe; The Poetic Principle (1850)

Love: The Conqueror

English: Sheetz gas station and convenience st...
 A typical American gas station aka Sheetz has been conquered by the great conqueror called Love (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

love conquerors all
says the unbroken heart
the playful; unbroken heart
love stands over me
in the gas station restroom
I dance in front of the mirror
to an unfamiliar song
does love conqueror this too
does it stand over this convenience store too
and offer its blessing to those who are willing
does love bother to conquer this filthy facility
which holds dispensable condoms; fifty cents each
for any lucky man who should want
as I look around this restroom I notice that love truly is disgusting
why would it bother to conqueror such a grotesque place
what happened to love’s vision of beauty
and what does it want with such a place as this

I walk out of the restroom; still in a building conquered by love
I look around the store for nothing in particular
and that’s exactly what I find
soft drinks; full of sugar and caffeine
newspapers; full of news that seems unclean
shall I buy a drink before I finally leave
or should I approach the beautiful girl
who might be waiting around the corner
somewhere amongst potato chips and magazines
somewhere in this building ought to be the finer things
the things love adored so much
that induced love to conquer it

we finally must leave; pay for our things
that we bought in this building conquered by love
I leave the building with saucy chicken wings
but not until after speaking with the man at the register
who asks if I want I’d like a free drink
and under loves command; inside love’s land
I accept this offer
leave the building
and move on elsewhere to another place
a place soon to be conquered by love

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