5 Ways To Drive Traffic To My Blog

Ever since I’ve started this blog, I’ve wondered how I could get more people to read it. This blog, in my opinion, should be kind of like the Bible. Not in the way that it unwittingly causes the death of millions of innocent people. Oh god, I don’t want that to happen. But more in the sense that everybody who hasn’t been hiding under a rock should have at least heard about it by now and then maybe years from now other bloggers will add to this prophetic and telling blog until… okay so the analogy is imperfect. Still, you get the gist of it. But since the history channel refuses to give me a miniseries, I am forced to resort to alternative methods of gaining readership. I have studied what people on the internet like to search for and I intend on using those studies to boost my views. So without further ado I present to you: 5 Ways To Get People To Mistakenly Stumble Upon Your Blog Whilst Likely Searching For Something Entirely Different (I should find a way to shorten that by the time I finish this)

Query 1: Birds
I’m sure my father is quite aware that birds are a popular item on the internet. Which explains why he barely ever posts about them anymore. One of the most efficient traffic drivers, for some inexplicable reason is the family extraordinary family of birds known simply as Tits. While little birdies like Black-Capped Chickadees  are certainly spectacular. The greatest searched for birds tend to be murderous killing machines such as Great Tits, or White-naped Tits (although that one often turns out to be typo). Owls are a popular item too, people just love looking at hooters. Birds, birds, birds; people are all about the birds (and sometimes the bees, but that’s another story).

Query 2: Celebrities 
Oh, yes. Celebrities are a huge one, and for good reasons. People enjoy celebrities because

Oh, look! It’s a picture of Jim Carrey. How did that get there?

they are like everyday people like you and me, but are you kidding me, they’re celebrities. They belong on a whole nother’ level. So, if you really want to get hits, talk about how Justin Bieber got into that drunken brawl with a construction worker or how Lindsay Lohan got a tattoo of a cannabis plant on her right shoulder. It doesn’t matter if these things are true or not, just as long as you gain at the unfortunate expense of vulnerable celebrities.

Query 3: Cats  
The ancient Egyptians were on to something and the majority of people are very aware of this because thanks to the rise of the internet, cat worshiping is back in style. Due to 21st century sloth, people are too lazy to build elaborate structure of them. However, I’m sure our immeasurable amount of internet memes is just as pleasing to these feline champions. It matters not whether the cat is grumpy, sleep-talking, or someone thinks it looks like they are pretending to play the violin. The simple truth is that if you post a cat, they will come. So sing your praises, fools: “Aww… who’s a cute wittle pussy cat.”

Pwease?
You don’t wanna let this guy down. Do you?

Query 4: Holidays
Everyone likes to celebrate holidays. Many holidays are associated with religious observances. Today for instance is Good Friday, and then on Sunday Christians everywhere celebrate Easter. This way of celebrating is not personally my cup of tea. The trouble with these sorts of religious observances is oftentimes someone had to die before you could celebrate. Then again that’s partly why we have classical music.  Frankly, that’s kind of depressing. But you can still garner views by talking about one can buy their rather unpleasant uncle for Christmas.

Query 5: Politics
Politics is a touchy subject. This is because frankly people tend to enjoy an infinite state of discord and utter confusion. I find it ironic that in a country called the United States there are so many people split up into factions practically trying to eradicate each other. The old saying goes that “If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.” But I’d prefer it if people didn’t decide to stand up while I’m enjoying a flick at the movie theater. But if you want views go ahead and stand for something. It takes guts to publicly opine on various controversial issues, like some cruddy bill your local congressman wants to put through or you could just place the blame on the president like a normal person.

So, there you have it. That’s my plan to take over the world and you can either join me or become my enemy. I suggest you make your choice wisely.

 

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9 thoughts on “5 Ways To Drive Traffic To My Blog”

      1. Mine too, apparently! At least. . . um, lately.
        By the way, Micah, if it doesn’t hurt your what was it? Reputation? Integrity? Something-or-other, for your dad to say it, this post is brilliantly funny.

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