What I’ve Learned

11th grade is almost over and I must say I learned a lot these past couple of weeks. I didn’t learn any of it from my teachers, though (besides maybe my law
teacher, but I’ll get to that in a minute). The vast majority of my teachers have taught me nothing. I learned my ABCs on my own, just like Abraham Lincoln. None of the other kids at my school can handle this stuff. Their feeble minds are just too fragile and how many of them have 69 followers on their blog? Zero, because most of them don’t have blogs. That’s almost 70 and 70 multiplied 1000 is 70000. Then again most of them don’t read my blog. They all go to that ugly Tumblr website. It’s full of kids with ADD or ADHD. Wait, what was I talking about? Unicorns?

What I’ve learned:

As it turns out watched pots do boil. Most people are too lazy to watch them. Also, a picture isn’t really worth a thousand words. I tried talking to them at Walmart. They told me I needed to pay them money. The most significant thing I’ve learned is that some of the girls in High School are actually terrifying. The other day I overheard (possibly eavesdropping  a girl in the lunch line ask her girl friend and I quote: “Have you ever hated somebody so much you wanted to drown them”. I think I heard that right, and I sure hope that her friend replied with something to the effect of “No, Sally, I haven’t because I’m not a deranged psychopath.” Sadly that is probably not the truth. I’ve also learned how to stop world hunger, but for reason I’ve rather not disclose I’ve opted not to explain that to you. If you have any questions, talk to my lawyer.

So, that’s about it. That’s all I’ve learned this year. Whoever said you learn something new everyday is wrong. Some days you just sit around and do absolutely nothing besides observe. Those are the days I love.

In other news, later this week or next week, I will be debating for my Business Law class. I have been assigned to debate the issue of abortion from the pro-life perspective. This might be a difficult endeavor for me for I have not always had the most healthy relationship with fetuses or humans in general. Wish me well, please.

Also, I’ve written a couple of poems today that I’ll get to share with you later. Maybe, I’ll head to Lewisburg on the day school gets out to read poetry. I don’t know. Anyway, bye.

A Shorting

I got this idea for a poem today. I feel like I might try to make it longer later, or maybe shorter sooner. Anyway, whatcha think?

There’s a shorting deep within my heart
not a longing as some may say
a shorting
an absence of desire in my vessels
it’s as if i’ve been living a tiny thin lie
and by no shrink of the imagination can i explain how i feel
I am shorting for something less than what I already have
I once knew exactly what i wanted
Yet I feel as if maybe i was wrong all ashort

An Update On The Life of Micah Bauman

So, it’s been awhile since I’ve written about myself (which is odd because that’s one of my all time favorite things to write about; besides spaghetti of course). But I think it’s time again I talk about myself.  Summertime is coming soon for me, but I have a lot of preparations to go through before I can start college. That’s getting ahead of things though, because this summer I’ll become a senior. So, I’ve officially selected the classes I’ll be taking for my final year in high school and I’ve opted not to take Holocaust Literature.
Sure, the holocaust might be interesting to study, but it’s gotta be really goddamn depressing to have to read story after story about it. First we’d read about Anne Frank, then we’d read Schindler’s List, and then… those are the only pieces of literature about the holocaust that I’m aware of (unless you count Mien Kampf). I’m immensely excited about not having to attend high school for two months though.

I hope to have more time to blog this summer and possibly even get in a couple of videos. I don’t know quite what I’ll end up doing. Maybe I’ll take some photographs,  write some more poetry, swim with sharks, wrestle a bear… Who cares? Carpe Diem!

Speaking of seizing the day, next Friday will be my birthday. To many people’s dismay, that means it’s been 17 years since I’ve entered this world, but each year has been worth it, except maybe 2 or 3 of them that were a complete waste of time. That’s in the past now though.

Earth Day Poem

I apologize for not posting anything this weekend. I know it’s poetry month. But I’ve been appreciating jazz. Anyway in honor of Earth Day, here’s a poem (I don’t know what to call it) about dead people…and worms.

I shall not ever mourn the dead
for the dead have never done anything for me
for once the living stop living
they decide it’s time to stop giving
dead people are lazy
and corpses are just boring
rather a shell of a man
one who once served the community
now only serves the worms
maybe i’ll mourn the worms
for without the worms we’d never be living at all

Related articles

• 30 Poems for National Poetry Month: Day 18 (seapoetry.wordpress.com)
• Oh gees, something else I didn’t need to know: Today Is Earth Day, Co-Founded by a Vile Murderer (independentsentinel.com)
• Poetry – Day Twenty-one (michaelerb.wordpress.com)

 

Emergency Rose

Danger 777 Company (Photo credit: Michael Schubart)

Earlier this week I was in the emergency room… but wait I’m actually fine. Don’t worry. I had heart palpitations but it’s fine now. I’d tell you more. But I’m really tired now. Anyway…

Emergency Rose

if red symbolizes danger
what should i make of this red red rose
they say it symbolizes love and joy
courage and sacrifice!
but they seem to have forgotten about the flashing red tape
that wraps around the barricades
of places from where you should away
“Danger” “Danger” “Danger”
I have not forgotten about the red tape
i have not forgetten the signs, the warnings, the flags…
all covered in red
so what should i make of it when you hand me this flower
with it’s stem adorned with thorns
this floral shaped emergency (of the heart)

A Murder

Well, since it is National Poetry Month. Here’s a little something. I don’t know if I could write poems for a whole month like some people plan doing. But maybe I’ll write a few here and there. I got some ideas. But I’ve been slacking.

A murder has been committed
and the perpetrator is one that we cannot simply lock away
not to say they fled the scene
the fact is that they were never seen
this was a freak accident you see
this wasn’t meant to be
the cold dead body you see on the ground
was offed by no man or woman
this one was one that never had a chance
this one was a victim of circumstance

5 Ways To Drive Traffic To My Blog

Ever since I’ve started this blog, I’ve wondered how I could get more people to read it. This blog, in my opinion, should be kind of like the Bible. Not in the way that it unwittingly causes the death of millions of innocent people. Oh god, I don’t want that to happen. But more in the sense that everybody who hasn’t been hiding under a rock should have at least heard about it by now and then maybe years from now other bloggers will add to this prophetic and telling blog until… okay so the analogy is imperfect. Still, you get the gist of it. But since the history channel refuses to give me a miniseries, I am forced to resort to alternative methods of gaining readership. I have studied what people on the internet like to search for and I intend on using those studies to boost my views. So without further ado I present to you: 5 Ways To Get People To Mistakenly Stumble Upon Your Blog Whilst Likely Searching For Something Entirely Different (I should find a way to shorten that by the time I finish this)

Query 1: Birds
I’m sure my father is quite aware that birds are a popular item on the internet. Which explains why he barely ever posts about them anymore. One of the most efficient traffic drivers, for some inexplicable reason is the family extraordinary family of birds known simply as Tits. While little birdies like Black-Capped Chickadees  are certainly spectacular. The greatest searched for birds tend to be murderous killing machines such as Great Tits, or White-naped Tits (although that one often turns out to be typo). Owls are a popular item too, people just love looking at hooters. Birds, birds, birds; people are all about the birds (and sometimes the bees, but that’s another story).

Query 2: Celebrities 
Oh, yes. Celebrities are a huge one, and for good reasons. People enjoy celebrities because

Oh, look! It’s a picture of Jim Carrey. How did that get there?

they are like everyday people like you and me, but are you kidding me, they’re celebrities. They belong on a whole nother’ level. So, if you really want to get hits, talk about how Justin Bieber got into that drunken brawl with a construction worker or how Lindsay Lohan got a tattoo of a cannabis plant on her right shoulder. It doesn’t matter if these things are true or not, just as long as you gain at the unfortunate expense of vulnerable celebrities.

Query 3: Cats  
The ancient Egyptians were on to something and the majority of people are very aware of this because thanks to the rise of the internet, cat worshiping is back in style. Due to 21st century sloth, people are too lazy to build elaborate structure of them. However, I’m sure our immeasurable amount of internet memes is just as pleasing to these feline champions. It matters not whether the cat is grumpy, sleep-talking, or someone thinks it looks like they are pretending to play the violin. The simple truth is that if you post a cat, they will come. So sing your praises, fools: “Aww… who’s a cute wittle pussy cat.”

You don’t wanna let this guy down. Do you?

Query 4: Holidays
Everyone likes to celebrate holidays. Many holidays are associated with religious observances. Today for instance is Good Friday, and then on Sunday Christians everywhere celebrate Easter. This way of celebrating is not personally my cup of tea. The trouble with these sorts of religious observances is oftentimes someone had to die before you could celebrate. Then again that’s partly why we have classical music.  Frankly, that’s kind of depressing. But you can still garner views by talking about one can buy their rather unpleasant uncle for Christmas.

Query 5: Politics
Politics is a touchy subject. This is because frankly people tend to enjoy an infinite state of discord and utter confusion. I find it ironic that in a country called the United States there are so many people split up into factions practically trying to eradicate each other. The old saying goes that “If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.” But I’d prefer it if people didn’t decide to stand up while I’m enjoying a flick at the movie theater. But if you want views go ahead and stand for something. It takes guts to publicly opine on various controversial issues, like some cruddy bill your local congressman wants to put through or you could just place the blame on the president like a normal person.

So, there you have it. That’s my plan to take over the world and you can either join me or become my enemy. I suggest you make your choice wisely.

 

Related articles

• Murderous Great Tits (news.discovery.com)
• Nature versus nurture: Better looking birds have healthier babies (sciencedaily.com)